Woman Abuse

We all deserve to live free of violence.

But many of us live with the fear of woman abuse.

Some of us are being abused right now.

In Canada, at least 1 out of every 10 women is physically abused by her partner.

Many women suffer from different kinds of abuse.

What is woman abuse?

Many words are used to name what happens to women who are hurt in some way by their partner. Woman abuse, assault, wife assault, family violence, domestic violence are words you may have heard before.

Kinds of abuse

There are many different kinds of abuse.

Physical abuse is slapping, shoving, kicking, punching, choking and using weapons or objects to hurt you.

This kind of abuse might leave marks or scars on your body. Or it might not.

Sexual abuse is any sexual act you do not want.

It can be kissing, hugging, touching or any sex you do not want.

Mental or emotional abuse is when your partner:

• Threatens to hurt you or someone you love
• Controls what you do
• Puts you down
• Swears at you
• Tries to keep you away from your family or friends
• Uses sexual names and sexual words to put you down and humiliate you

Your partner may also destroy your personal things.

Mental or emotional abuse does not leave marks on your body.

This abuse takes away your self-esteem and can leave you feeling down and depressed.

Economic abuse is when your partner controls your money and does not give you any money to buy the things you need.

Who is abused?

Women of all ages, all races, all religions and all income levels are abused.

Women with disabilities are abused more often by their partners and caregivers than other women.

Any woman can be abused by her partner.

Your children may also be experiencing abuse from the abuser.

Who are the abusers?

In most cases, men are the abusers.

In some cases, women are abused by their same sex partners.

Abusers come from all ages, all races, all religions, and all income levels.

Abusers are not mentally ill.

Abusers have learned that it is okay to use violence to gain power and control over women.

The cycle of violence

The cycle of violence means there is a pattern to the abuse.

It is also something that keeps happening over and over.

First, there is usually a build up of tension that happens.

Next, the abuser loses control and hits you or abuses you in some way.

Often there is a honeymoon stage.

This is when the abuser apologizes and promises the abuse will never happen again. But the abuse will probably happen again.

You need to be concerned the first time your partner abuses you.

If your partner hits you once or abuses you once, your partner will very likely abuse you again.

Effects of abuse

Any kind of abuse may leave a woman feeling isolated, depressed, scared ad confused.

Some women blame themselves for the violence.

You can get help to deal with this.

You do not have to be alone.

If you are being abused, you must remember that

you are not to blame and you do not deserve it.

Effects on children

Many women put up with the abuse for the sake of their children.

But the children suffer too.

When children witness woman abuse in their home they can be deeply and seriously affected.

Some children have headaches and nightmares.

Some children become withdrawn. Some become aggressive.

Some children believe the violence is their fault.

Some children may also suffer abuse.

Violence is behaviour that we learn.

Boys who witness woman abuse may grow up to be abusers themselves.

Girls witnessing violence in the home may have a greater chance of being abused later on.

Your children can get help.

Why does it happen?

No matter what you do, you do not deserve to be abused.

If you are being abused it is not your fault.

Abusers are responsible for the abuse.

Abusers are trying to control you and gain power over you against your will.

They are responsible for their own actions.

Society is also to blame.

Society makes the problem worse by keeping the issue of woman abuse behind closed doors.

What can you do if you are being abused?

If you are being abused it is normal to be scared, to feel alone, helpless and hopeless.

But there are things you can do.

First, remember the abuse is never your fault.

If you partner abuses you, it is their choice and their problem.

Your partner is responsible for their own behaviour.

Second, it is natural to be afraid.

The fear and anxiety may continue unless you make a change in your life.

Until then, the abuse will probably not stop.

It will more than likely get worse.

You must think about what is best for you and your children.

Third, it is important that you find someone to talk to.

Speak to someone you trust:

• friend
• co-worker
• family member
• counsellor
• someone listed in the resource list in the Where to find help? section

This person should give you support and understanding.

It is important that you make your own decisions.

Finally, believe in yourself and in your right to live free of violence.

Take one step at a time.

Make sure you make your own decisions about what you want to do.

Will the abuser ever change?

Abusers have learned to be violent as a way of gaining power over women.

Most abusers will not admit they have a problem.

Remember, it is not your responsibility to try to change your partner.

You cannot make your partner stop abusing you.

Leaving the abuser

It is really hard to decide to leave an abuser.

You are not deserting your partner.

You have a right to live your life without violence or abuse.

If you are thinking of leaving, you may want to plan ahead.

Think about what you will need to take with you.

Talk to a counsellor about making a plan.

Pack a bag or suitcase.

Things you might pack are:

• money, credit cards, bank books
• personal identification, birth certificates, health cards, passports, landed papers, driver’s license
• house keys, car keys
• personal items for you and your children
• medication, if you take any
• clothing for you and your children to last a few days
• copies of your partner’s bank accounts, cheque stubs or other information about their money

Keep the bag hidden in a place where you can grab it in a hurry or you can keep it at a friend’s house.

What to do in an emergency?

Be prepared to act if your partner becomes violent.

Some actions you can take are:

• have an escape plan for you and your children
• talk to your children about what to do in case of emergency
• call the police. For emergencies you dial 9-1-1
• if your partner assaults you, try to run outside and scream loudly

You can call the police the next day at 416-324-2222 or go to a police station near you to report the abuse.

What happens when you call the police?

A dispatcher will answer. Tell him or her:

·        what language you speak

·        your address

·        your name

·        that you are being attacked

·        if the attacker is armed

·        you are afraid for your life

·        whether or not you have been hurt

When the police come, they will ask you what happened.

Tell the police:

• that your partner has beaten you
• if it has happened before
• if there are any witnesses
• if your partner used any weapons during the assault
• that you are afraid of your partner
• if you think your partner will beat you again after they leave

Show them your injuries or other marks of violence, including damaged clothing, damaged furniture or other things.

Do not be afraid to tell them the truth about the abuse you have suffered.

The police will include this in their report.

This report will help your case later on.

What happens if I am hurt?

If you are hurt, ask the police to take you to the hospital or to a doctor.

Tell the doctor exactly how you were hurt.

Ask the police to take pictures of your injuries.

You may need to ask someone else to take pictures.

Theses may help you if you to court later on.

Even if you do not call the police, go to your family doctor and tell her or him what happened.

What can the police do?

The police can lay charges against your partner.

They must lay charges if they believe your partner has assaulted you.

You may not have a choice about laying charges or testifying later on in court.

There are many kinds of charges that can be laid.

The kind of charge will depend on how you are hurt during the assault.

The police can arrest your partner and take them to the police station.

If this happens, ask the officer how long your partner will be kept in custody and what will happen whey they are released from jail.

If your partner is not taken into custody, and you are afraid that you will be beaten again, ask the police to help you go to a safe place.

If the police do not want to lay charges, ask them why.

You can encourage them to do so.

When the police come to your home, find out the officers’ names and badge numbers.

If the police are not helpful, make a complaint to the Office of Police Complaints Commission at 416-325-4700.

Where can I go?

Ask the police to take you to a safe place.

The police can wait for you to gather a few personal belongings for you and your children.

Take your children with you wherever you go.

You many want to go to a friend’s house.

Or a relative’s house.

Or you can go to an emergency shelter.

Emergency shelters are safe houses in the community.

You can stay a few days or a few weeks.

They are places where women go after they have been assaulted.

Their addresses are secret.

Your partner will not find you.

Sometimes the shelters may be full.

You can ask if there are waiting lists.

The staff there can help you through this difficult time of crisis.

You can call:

Assaulted Women’s Helpline at 416-863-0511 or

St. Christopher House at 416-533-8285 or 416-532-4828 for a list of shelters and other services.

Legal Matters

Violence against women is not only wrong, it is also a crime.

There are laws that can protect you.

You can ask the legal system to help protect you from your abusive partner.

Depending your case, you may be able to get one of the following:

1.      a peace bond

2.      a restraining order

3.      exclusive possession of your home

1. A Peace Bond

usually involves your partner promising a Justice of the Peace that they will not abuse you.

If your partner has been charged by police, a Judge can order a Peace Bond too, as a condition of being let out of jail.

A Peace Bond is hard to enforce.

Peace Bonds rarely stop the abusers.

2. A Restraining Order

tells your partner to stay away from you and not to bother you.

It is issued by a Judge, under the Family Law Act.

You can get a Restraining Order if you and your partner:

• are legally married, or
• have lived common-law for 3 years, or
• have a child together, or
• have adopted a child together

3. You may be able to get exclusive possession of your home.

Exclusive possession means that the abusive partner cannot live in the home.

You must be legally married.

You must also show that you and your children do not have anywhere else to live.